Getting It Out (Part 1)

It has been a very good weekend, as far as weekends go. The good weekend didn't stop the inevitable creep of sadness that has fallen over me. Great and wonderful events that I enjoy stir a sadness within me. I attended a very lovely wedding on Saturday and didn't really notice the pain building once again. I should have. I should have expected and known. I guess I still have my moments of naivete. I don't walk around with my guard up, so it happens. It's OK, I know how to take a shot or two.

The couple getting married were two friends I had gone to school with. The bride was one of Laura's best friends. Laura's name was even mentioned on the ceremony itinerary. It was a wonderful gesture and remembrance. She wanted Laura there so bad to share this wonderful moment with. I can understand. Brenna and I attending was, as is the case many times, both a blessing and a painful reminder.

That was Saturday. As I said, it was a good weekend. Friday was a blast playing golf with my coworkers, a couple of whom I've gotten to know recently and have managed to make me not hate where I work so much. They've given me hope that I can be happy there. I also met another coworker from a different building. She was fantastic as well. Then I spent the evening resting my weary body and my blinding headache with my girlfriend, who happened to be sick so she was in the mood for resting, too! Brenna was with her grandparents for the evening, so I got to do something I virtually never do-go to bed early and sleep in late! I was refreshed for Saturday and had a good morning and afternoon. Then there was the wedding, followed by a great dinner with my girlfriend, brother and soon to be sis. Today (Sunday) was a very pleasant day. Did the usual run errand thing and ignore football (I'm a Browns fan, not sure why anymore) in lieu of yard work while Brenna napped.

While she was peacefully sleeping I went to work on reseeding the front yard and finishing up the steps on my deck. It was an absolutely perfect fall day. Nice breeze blowing. Cool weather. Leaves covering my yard calling me to rake them. I didn't quite notice it then, either. That feeling. I was doing what I wanted to do, but I was starting to go downhill. Oh well, I thought, just keep working. It will pass. So I finished up outside and was inside relaxing for a few minutes before Brenna woke up. I wanted to get out, though. I needed to get out of the house. I didn't want to be there. I started to sense what was going on. Those moments that were seared into my memory last fall, almost one year ago, were working their way back to the front of my mind. I've been here before. It happens, though much less often than it used to. I wasn't ready, though. Brenna was about to get up. I needed a distraction. Just for a while. Keep it together.

I heard her rustling around so I went upstairs and opened her door. I knew what to expect. I had told her before she went down for her nap that we would go to the park when she got up, so I knew that would be the first thing out of her mouth. The girl's mind is like a steel trap. Just like her mom. Sure enough I open the door and she pops up (from the floor, she's taken to napping under the window on the floor!) and says, "I wanna go swing!" I get her changed and off we go. It's a great evening to be outside, at the park. Just Brenna and I. Not many people around. Doesn't matter because I feel totally alone. I put Brenna on the swing and she wants me to push her higher and higher. She knows no fear. I think back to the first time Laura and I put Brenna on the swing. It was at this park. Brenna loved it. Now she loves it in a different way. She loves flying freely. She tires of it quickly and wants to go down the slide. So off we go. I can't get it out of my head. It's just getting worse. Thinking of how proud and amazed Laura would be of her little girl climbing every which way and flying down the tallest slide, falling on her butt, jumping up and running up to do it again. Keep it together. Just a little bit longer.

We leave the park and make our way home for a quick dinner. I don't want to be in here. It's almost becoming more than I can bear. I feel a mental break coming on. I feel her being gone. I feel so lonely. Brenna nibbles a bit and out we go again. We walk up the street for some ice cream. It's half a mile and I know Brenna will want me to carry her halfway there. It's gonna kill my back. I don't care. I want to carry her. We get there and Brenna gets a kiddie cone. She doesn't quite know what to do with it when she gets down to the cone. She's only had ice cream out of a cup! She offers it to me and I take a small bite. That's her cue to devour the rest of it, which she promptly does as we meander back to the house.

Getting home we relax for a few minutes, then it's off to bed for her. I read her a story (actually she "reads" for a while then I finish it up), give her a kiss, pull the covers over her and head downstairs. Still not time to face it. I have things to do. I have to push on. I want to work out. If I start down this path I will get nothing done. It's fine. I can deal with my emotions later. Start the laundry. Eat something. Work out. Distract.

So now here I am. The nice fall weather has brought me a reminder of that fateful night, which I will share now. Some of you have heard the story. Some have not. Many don't want to know it (which is why I am splitting it into 2 parts, so please don't read the second if you don't want to. It's not going to be easy and may change some things in your mind. You've been warned.) I'm putting it out there for my own sake. I hope it will help. I think it will...