Still Want Me to Not Worry What Everyone Else Thinks?

Continuing on the theme of my last post, something happened this week which ties in perfectly. This past week a very nice service and dedication was held for Laura at Christ Hospital. I don't know the exact details of it (if I am mistaken in the details hopefully someone will correct me), but I understand it was put together by some of the people in the social work department where Laura worked. It wasn't an "official" hospital thing, but a very nice dedication involving her coworkers/friends and family. A couple of speeches were read and a plaque was hung by her father, which will remain in the social work unit of Christ.

I found out about this event after it happened. The person who was the organizer is a good friend of mine. She and I have talked extensively both before and after Laura's death. In fact, she knows my internal struggles as well as, if not more than, anybody else. I can't imagine going through all this without her (and a few others). So she contacted me earlier this week to tell me about the event, how it went, etc. She was also struggling with how to handle telling me about it. Whether or not to invite me was a difficult decision for her and she knew I would understand as I know, more than anybody else, the difficulty in balancing the feelings of anger many feel towards me with my own desires and actions. She wanted it to be a very nice and comfortable event for everyone there, which was *almost* exclusively Laura's former coworkers. She knew that if I were in attendance there would be a great deal of distracting tension in the room coming from the people who harbor strong negative feelings toward me. I don't intend to get into a debate as to whether their feelings are justified, right, etc. The point is they exist and they exist for a reason, whether that reason is valid or not. Perception is reality. Anyway, as this was being explained to me I could hear the pain in her voice and I knew this was not an easy decision for her, to essentially exclude me from the event knowing it may not necessarily be fair. I understood completely. I really do. As I laid out previously, in some cases it is important to really take into account what other people think. Since this was an event for the Hospital, the people there should be thought of perhaps more than me, as this was their opportunity to pay respects free (in some sense) of the feelings elicited by the sight and thought of me. I support my friend's decision and I hope she is able to make peace with it. I harbor no ill will towards her for it. This is a very difficult situation in a number of ways, and sometimes there are no good answers, just less bad ones.

After speaking to her, and time wore on, I started feeling very down. The more I thought about what happened, in the greater context of things, the worse I got. I will say again I do understand the decision my friend made and I think she did the right thing in a very difficult situation. I also understand the feelings many others have towards me. Those feelings of anger. Of blame. Not of blame for what happened, but what happened the weeks leading up to Laura's tragic death. Those last few weeks of her life were spent in misery, which her coworkers got to witness on a daily basis until the day she never woke up. I have felt that anger leveled at me. I have seen the words spoken about me, the insinuations, accusations, and so on. I've been abandoned by many, and I understand that as well (in most cases). While those things bother me, they aren't what was necessarily making me down. No, what I felt like was I was being punished (again) for those last few weeks of Laura's life. I have felt so much guilt and torment over what happened and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I hope nobody ever has to know what it feels like to have a genuinely good person in their life, someone who they've spent nearly every day for five+ years with, have a child with, and to have some difficult times resulting in a lot of heartache, confusion, anger, sadness, etc. Then, seemingly in the middle of the worst times, the person dies. The last feelings that person had were primarily negative and caused by you. Imagine the worst fight you've ever hurt someone, stretch that over a couple of weeks, and imagine that person died in the middle of it. There's no way to take any of it back. Any growth and understanding after that is accompanied by feelings of guilt and pain that stem from not being able to share the "new" you with the person you want the most to see it.

It's no small effort to move past all of that guilt and awful feelings. There's nobody to say sorry to and have them tell you they forgive you. You simply have to forgive yourself. And that is hard to do when so many others don't let go of their anger towards you for what you did (or were perceived to do) to their friend. So when the time comes to pay tribute to Laura, to say good things and share great memories, I will be forever punished, as I will always, in some people's eyes, be the one who made the last weeks of Laura's short life a living hell. That's all they will remember of me. I will carry that burden forever, as these people will be a part of my life forever. They aren't bad people. Their feelings are understandable. My pain carries on.