Don't Worry What Everyone Else Thinks

Advice easily doled out for seemingly every issue. Is it possible to follow? Is it even good advice?

As with most things in life, it's just not that simple. There are very few black and white things in this world. Should you worry what "everyone" else thinks? Absolutely not, unless your livelihood somehow depends on it. For me, though, I do worry what *some* others think, depending on the situation. I believe it can be respectful and completely necessary to take others into consideration when viewing ones actions. Of course how much their feelings should weigh on your decisions, and whose feelings should effect you, those are the more difficult questions to answer. That is what I struggle with so much in my life.

Laura's death has caused and continues to cause countless ramifications in my life. Obviously. So much, though, goes unknown, unspoken or sits there like an elephant in the room, waiting to be acknowledged. It effects my every thought. Even something so simple as my choice of words to start this paragraph doesn't come easily. What happens if I start out with the phrase "my wife" instead of Laura? After all, those reading this will know who it is either way. But the words matter to the reader. "Laura" is a person. She belongs to everyone. My wife is my own, and that belongs to me. If you are suffering and grieving over her passing, would you resent my use of a possessive phrase? If you knew the situation between Laura and I at the time of her death, would you be angry with me for referring to her as my wife when it was a real possibility she wouldn't have been for long had her life not been cut drastically short? Should it matter to me what you think? Well, I suppose that depends on who you are. Did you accuse me, outwardly or inwardly, of killing her? Did you discuss these accusations behind my back, pretending you didn't have those thoughts when speaking to me? Did you feel bad for making the accusations once the truth came out? (I'm guessing not, as I did not receive any apologies). If the answers are "yes" to these questions, then no, what you have to say does not matter. I don't care what you take from these words. You will read into them what you want anyway, most likely finding anything to justify your unsupportable and hurtful thoughts. Your problem, not mine.

What if you are a friend of hers who has only kept me in your life as some kind of remembrance of Laura, or as a way of staying in touch with Brenna's life, or simply because you feel bad for me? Should I care what you think? Well, I do. I don't know what it's like to be in your position, and I doubt very much you will tell me when something really bothers you. I want to know, though. Will you resent me if I date someone? Will it hurt you to see a "relationship status" changed in my Facebook page (either way you probably won't see that)? Would you think "How could you?", or "It's so soon, how could he possibly do that?", or any of those types of thoughts? Would you tell me or ask me if that's what was on your mind? Would you reason it out in your mind, reaching an uncomfortable conclusion that it's not your place to judge, but the feelings remain? If you want to ask me, but don't, what's stopping you? Why are we so afraid to talk? If you do want to ask, is it for the right reasons (as in you actually care, not because you simply want to gossip)?

What if you are her parents? I absolutely care what you think and what you are feeling, but I certainly can't read your mind and there are times where my desire to move on and be happy will trump my fear of hurting you.

The point is I can only understand so much of what is going with others. If you don't tell me, then I can't possibly know everything. Just as you can't possibly scratch the surface of how I'm feeling or what I go through on a daily basis if you never talk to me about it. Perhaps it's easier than you think, perhaps it's more difficult. Maybe I yearn to talk about it. Maybe it's the last thing I want to speak of. How will you know unless you ask?

Here's what I do know. There is one person in my life who fits a very unique mold. She has been there through all of this. I say she is my friend and I truly mean that, but she knows what I mean when I say she is really Laura's friend. She knew almost everything that went on up until the Laura's last breath. She knew the ups and downs of our marriage. She'd seen it all and knew the good and bad sides of me. She had seen how happy I made Laura, and also how I had virtually destroyed her emotionally. This person made the choice to talk to me. To share her thoughts with me. To get her concerns, anger, and troubles out in the open. And she allowed me to share with her all that I was going through, and whatever you imagine I was going through probably doesn't even begin to describe it (outside of a couple of extremely close friends). Her and I are in a very good place with each other now because of the choices we/she made from the beginning. Saying things that many think should remain unspoken for whatever fear they have. Working through the gauntlet of emotions. For that I am extremely grateful. To no end, really. I needed it more than she could possibly know. You see, there are so many things I did wrong. Many, many things I did not see fit to right (or even really see there was a problem to begin with). A lot has come out of Laura's death, and not all of it has been bad. It's regretful that it took her death to push me in a good direction, but that's what happened and regret won't change that, nor will I feel bad for trying to be a better person, even if it is a day late. But I needed someone there to see these changes and see how hard I worked. I needed someone who was close to Laura to see it. Someone who knew her inside and out. I needed that person to tell me what they think, as I felt in a way it was like getting Laura's blessing. While I didn't need that to move past the regret (I probably would have one day), it surely went a long way to alleviating the massive burdens I and mental weights I carry with me so much of the time. I thank her for helping ease that weight.

This is just the beginning of so much that I want to share about the past few months of my life. A couple of you have been there and know what it's been like for me, but most have no idea. As I started to spell out in the beginning, I did not know if I even could share without being offensive to some, so I have been fairly guarded and private with my thoughts. I am putting this out there for inquiring minds. Mine is inquiring as well.